This entry in particular may be edited further. I was taking these entries directly from myspace and posting them here, and though I have spent a great deal of time editing each dictionary entry already there may be mistakes I have missed. If anyone catches a mistake, email me so I know about it (and so I can fix it). There will be more definitions coming, and though I don't know how much time will pass between each update to my Caustic Dictionary, rest assured: this is an on going project, and it won't be finished until I've made a cynical convert of a good portion of the English language (or alienated the better part of the human population...I honestly have no idea which will come first.).
Stay Tuned.Art, n.:Synonymous with the word asdgh; which means you do and don't at the same time. The single most successful use of this term involved thirty shots of vodka, a five-hundred gallon container of cold cheese, a head stone that reads "Thirty shots of vodka is similiar to a bullet moving quickly towards my head", and six feet of dirt. Oddly enough: the most successful use of this term was also the only use of this term, and thus was the most successful use by default. As a result, the word art will be defined as follows: either imbibing thirty shots of vodka, saying an odd word, and dying; or: causing the death of the person who imbibed those thirty shots of vodka. Choosing which one of the two options available is the deciding factor in: are you the ART or the ARTIST.
Beer, n.:
The cause of far more this, and far less that.
Charm, v.:The hat-trick of transmuting the stolid and unfathomable into the abtruse and baffling. For example: "You are so charming that my encephalon has sudden and nonsensically become a flapdoodle."
*Note:
This entry (along with the art, beer, grace, happy, language, mathematics, One Dollar Bill, philosophy, schizophrenic, spam, vocabulary, and yes entries)
is not supposed to make sense...these first entries were written with the goal of causing confusion.Cosmetics, n.:The socially acceptable euphemism for the rather offensive term, "brown-bagger". More widely used than its distasteful "parent" synonym "brown-bagger", "cosmetics" was first coined by a young female working for the public relations firm,
WD Inc. [We're Dildos Incorporated], who was rather "brown-baggish" herself. This homely looking young lady was also known to be a compulsive liar, explaining her involvement in the public relations industry, an industry built around twisting language so much they've actually rung an intangible concept dry (a physical impossibility, considering something must be wet, and thus tangible, in order to be rung dry).
Corn-hole, v.:An awkward and uncomfortable and ultimately pointlessly detestable maneuver which
DOES NOT involve any kind of pain reliever or lubricant, but does involve pain-non-relievers and a
very notable lack of any sort of lubricant.
...Oh, and in case it wasn't clear (if you're the type that doesn't get or can't quite grasp dry and/or overly British humor, or maybe you're the type that doesn't understand subtle implications): the verb Corn-hole refers to a maneuver that has the goal of making another human being's asshole very uncomfortable. Have fun with that.
Even-Steven, n.:1 – One who does something and the antithesis of that something in equal amounts, the result of which is the amount of whatever the something in question was being perfectly canceled out by that very same something's antithesis.
2 – The negative, or Steven, half of the original Even-Steven (see also: Even-William).
Even-William, n.:1 – The positive, or Even, half of the original Even-Steven: a Two Dollar Bill (see also: One Dollar Bill, from old post). The negative, or Steven, half of the original Even-Steven was a worthless piece of shit which just so happened to cost two One Dollar Bills or one Two Dollar Bill, which also happens to be known as the Even-William do to the fact that the Single William is an odd number and the Double William is an even number; thus the confabulation "Even William".
2 – One half of the first ideal friendship [which was between Even-Steven and Even-William]. This was considered an
ideal friendship because absolutely nothing was gained or lost at any point in the relationship...at least not when all was said and done...neither one happens to exist anymore because Even-Steven and Even-William ended up killing each other by way of MAD (
Mutually
Assured
Destruction), which is not considered murder.
Friendship, n.:An agreement that is made between what we can only assume to be two people, in which both of the alleged "people" claim, in a very loose and casual and quasi-honest way, that they will put in what little effort is necessary to avoid murdering the other "person". These supposed "people", which could feasibly be overgrown micro-organisms (just not so micro because they're, well, overgrown) who traipse around in man-suits, also, at least in most cases, both hate and love one another in equal quantities (see also: Even-Steven).
Grace, n.:An indefinable quality that is by default something that cannot be defined. Even thinking about said quality is useless because no one likes running in circles. Unless of course you run marathons. Then you're just stupid because everyone knows if you're running around a track (a round track, thus the name) you're going nowhere fast.
Happy, adj.:Nothing that is unattainable or a statistical impossibility is worth defining. As a result, the word happiness, which previously existed, no long does. Forget anything you happened to know, think, or believe about this word. Example sentence with replacement word: "I tend to be a
very halfway decent natured person." or "I wish I could achieve
an adequate mental state, otherwise I'm afraid I'll become depressed."
Language, n.:The only means people have to communicate to one another the fact that they can't communicate with one another. Ex: "You just don't understand me." to which most men would reply
"Well how can I? Like you said, we just don't speak the same language. Except for the fact that we both speak English, but you make up your own definitions to words as you go." Those examples point out why language is nothing but a tool to communicate to others that you lack the ability to communicate with others, because like most people in existence the woman in the example just made up her own definitions to words as she went.
*Note:
Mathematics, n.:The never ending quest to figure out exactly what the never ending quest is. In other words, the means by which high minded scientists attempt to give reason to all those numbers any rational person would simply ignore.
Nonsensical, adj.:The series of nonsensical sounds which supposedly communicate the idea that something does not or cannot make anything resembling sense. Any word communicating the idea that sense is not being made cannot, and invariably does not, make anything resembling sense itself.
Nuke-u-lar, adj:An unintelligible stand-in for the word "nuclear", as the word "nuclear" applies to the concept of "Genocide in-a-can" (which is in-a-plane or on-a-rocket). Nuke-u-lar is used only by those so stupid and grossly incompetent that they couldn't possibly ever have any high public stature, and as a result these so-called "dumbshits" (so-called because they are shit which is dumb...and who knew that fecal matter could be dumb?) shouldn't be worried about...
...damn! Shit! They've taken over the White House!...wait, does that mean it'll soon be the Brown House? I'm having trouble keeping up with all this shit.
One Dollar Bill, n.:
Actuality, causality, and improbablity have been distempered, irritated, vexed, irked, galled, peeved, pestered, provoked, and put out with one another for quite some time and are now abading, affronting, bugging, burning, and chafing one another. This rather idiosyncratic chain of events has caused The One Dollar Bill to be the antithesis of itself. Itself used to be a specie wad. It is now an
animate specie wad with phalanges and members
(ed.: animate is the antithesis of inanimate, this is justification...but really, this is another early entry). The One Dollar Bill now moves in an unnotsophysical manner ascribing to itself the confabulation,"William".
Philosophy, n.:The quest to find reason in the chaos. The quest to find mind in matter. Also, if one where to be completely honest with oneself, philosophy is also defined as the quest to define philosophy. Another word whose definition causes people to run in nothing but circles.
Pubic, ?.:A common misspelling of the word "public", the word "pubic" refers to something that is, oddly enough, the very antithesis to public; namely, "pubic" refers to any part of the human body that was determined to be publicly detestable or grotesque or unseemly or unsightly or simply inappropriate. Those who were made judge and jury were those wonderfully anal-retentive, stuck-up and oversensitive victorian-era twats (damn...couple pubic words right there). Also, it is this man's opinion that these same centuries-old cunts made the word for those publicly detestable, grotesque, unseemly and unsightly, simply inappropriate body parts so close to the word "public", which in spelling and pronunciation it is but in concept it is not, purposefully. Namely, they wanted people to slip up and tell other people that their penis was a public part. Also, they really wanted people to point at their crotches and say, "Well Mary Anne Coxucker, I shaved my public hair today."
Public Relations, n.:An American spawned industry which prides itself on being able to lie to large portions of the human population, a feat accomplished by having an insatiable desire to rape and pillage whatever language they happen to be using at that moment. The concept originated in an insane asylum, conceived by none other than the infamous compulsive liar, Butt F. Ucker. This little known fact is in fact little known because Butt F. Ucker created what would become one of the most affective euphemisms in history: Clinic for the Emotionally Distressed (replacing the honest, if harsh term "insane asylum"). One sure-fire way to tell if you are dealing with a PR Worker (Public Relations), if you feel like you are being fuc...lied to: Public Relations specialists, along with those attempting to cover up or make up for insane behavior, ceaselessly, and sometimes deceptively and creatively, have overly euphemistic speech, which removes any kind of emotion (primarily unpleasant emotion) and/or humanity from a thing, situation, or condition. (
last sentence, in PR speak: Public Relations specialists utilize various mediums of communication in an effort to promote a desirable image or remedy an unfortunate situation, the necessary goal being a more positive relationship with the general populace. This is accomplished through the development of beneficial relationships with various sources of information in order to more ably manage a client's reputation. Additionally, PR specialists work tirelessly to ensure the client remains in good public standing and does not offend or ostracize any particular portion of the population. *this took for-fucking-ever to come up with.)Side note on Public Relations: Does the person say "post-traumatic stress disorder" instead of "shell shock"? How about "severe appearance deficit" or "attractiveness deficiency" rather than the simple and honest but entirely too human term "ugly"? Or what about "late" or "gone" or "not with us" rather than "dead"? Really, "late", "gone", "not with us"? Come on! Someone who's dead is NOT late...for anything. And no, they aren't gone. Look! They're right there, just not moving! And yes they sure as hell are with us, what do you think we're standing in line to look at bub, the newest porno starring Bob N. Head and that asian up-and-cummer (hahahahaha) Fuk Mi Inmias? No, this is a funeral. Calm down, we're almost there...see, I told you he was with us.
Schizophrenic, ?.:
The perfectly normal desire that most high-level-homosapiens, whose ancestor is high-level-homoerectus, possess; it allows them to both phenomenally and inexplicably asseverate holding witness to events of the anti-spiritual type that they could not have possibly held witness to, thus giving them the inability to asseverate said event.
Spam, n.:
The result of being the proud owner of a specie wad with phalanges and members that moves in an unnotsophysical manner ascribing to itself the confabulation,"William". The result of owning said One Dollar Bill is your death. The One Dollar Bill that you are the proud owner of will then (after your death) turn you into a Ten Dollar Bill; after which you will also refer to yourself as "William" despite your previous name, look mildly pink with spots of indescribable color, and be ingested by the hobo you once hit with an object propelled by a combustable thing-a-ma-bob.
Vocabulary, n.:An individual's knowledge regarding a collection of nonsensical sounds that more than one human being has agreed upon the meaning of. The collection of nonsensical sounds in question composes words, which compose sentences, then paragraphs and pages and chapters and books and volumes and libraries and eventually consume the entirety of the known universe and most of the anti-known and/or quasi-known, but not the unknown, universe.
Yes, ?.:Widely believed to be a simple affirmation that commonly applies to situations in which the intended communication is either "I agree","You are correct", or "I give my permission"; of which there are far too many variations to list unless you happen to have one hundred and thirty-nine thousand, five hundred and seventeen point three-two-five.
